A Puzzling Dilemma
Dear Friends,
I seem to be suffering from an ailment. A terrible ailment. Of the most puzzling variety. I would like to call it a “Time-Inconsistency Problem” (the term actually is sometimes used by economists) but such a name wouldn’t capture just how frustrating it is. Instead, I think I’ll go with the label “Alex-always-gets-himself-into-things-that-look-good-at-the-time-but-later-he-realises-he-didn’t-really-want-to-in-the-first-place-and-is-only-fooling-himself-by-thinking-he-does-but-he-doesn’t-know-how-to-get-out-of-them-because-it-would-be-messy”.
A recent example would be graduate school. It looks, on one hand, like I’m really into economics and want to go on in it and make a career in it. Back in the fall I applied to the best places in the country for economics grad school - Western, Toronto, UBC and Calgary (the last one I applied to mainly because it’s home). And a few months later, voila, I get into all of them, and with the exception of Toronto, all gave me funding to boot. A few days after having all these offers sitting on my desk, I get a big government envelope in the mail telling me I’ve got a $17,500 scholarship to do a Master’s program in economics next year.
So, feeling excited, I leap ahead and pick the school with the toughest program and best funding offer - Western - with, on the one hand, a great reputation for having good young profs, great graduate placement record with government and top American schools, and did I mention a total funding package (including the government grant) of over >$30K for what is basically a 10 month program? Well, this is just great, I’m doing something I love and here’s enough money to live comfortably while I’m at it. I’ve been getting around by bus for the last 4 years, so wouldn’t this be a great chance to get a car, a new desk and chair, and… isn’t this going to be wonderful!? I’m being paid to study!
Well, it was a great feeling for a few days until it gradually dawned on me that while I could accept studying for another year, I by no means “loved” it, and had no real intention to launch into an academic career unless I had no other options. Economics is interesting, logical, mathematical, but also very tedious, detailed and mind-numbing. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to pay attention in class, and my interest (and amount of effort I’m willing to exert to study) in the subject has been waning since the end of last school year. My “success” in getting into grad school and getting funding is in large part based on past performance, and not something that I may still be willing to keep up indefintely.
So where does that leave me? If I’m not sure I’m going to be happy going to graduate school, should I just fold my hand right now, throw my cards into the middle of the table and say “I’m out”, or do I continue on into something I probably won’t find enjoyable at all? If I jump ship now, my future becomes a lot less certain, whereas there’s some degree of security if I stay on board, even if the swaying of the ship is making me a little queasy.
I suspect I find myself in dilemmas like these because I’m not sure what I really want in the first place. Plus, (being honest) I tend to be very good at a lot of things, so many things I pick up, whether that be Music, or Science or Economics, I could potentially carry it forward into a successful career. The question generally isn’t IF I could be successful doing it, but would I be happy, and am I willing to exert the effort and make the sacrifices to do it?
A lot of times I feel like I’m leading people on. I act like I’m really interested in something when deep down I’d like to be anywhere else but there. Maybe it’s an addiction to needing someone else’s approval, not wanting to make them unhappy or disappointing them. But along the way, I just haven’t been honest enough, almost been afraid, to find out what I actually want. I don’t even know what I want right now… other than to avoid another dilemma like the one now sitting on my lap.